Spending time with others first

So last night DW and I were having a serious talk about our relationship. And she pointed out how I have been choosing to spend time with my friends over spending time with her. DW pointed out that when it came down to if they would choose to spend time with their family or spend it with friends such as me and they would choose their family's. I thought about all of my friends and what they're actual decision would be and it would NOT be choosing me over their family. I felt completely disgusted with my behavior over the past 6 years. I can't believe how much I have chosen to avoid spending time with my wife. I have looked for someone else to fulfill that need. I have been in a delusional world where my friends are my main support system instead of my wife, who started as my best friend. I know that my spouse should be my #1 confidant and support system it is just sad that I have forgotten who my best friend was.

Lying yet again

Description:  I was leaving for work last night and I thought I left my iPod in the house. Even after searching for it in the car. I came back into the house and went into the office to look for it. I found it in my pocket. I then as I went to leave again Tia had asked me what I was looking for in the office to which I responded with "my phone"!! Tia then immediately said that was a lie because she had just seen it in my jacket pocket when she was putting the money in my wallet. I then responded to that with that I had taken my phone out in the office, which i didn't.

Feelings: I was thinking that if I had told her that I was looking for my iPod, she would have just responded with "Why do you need to take it?", so I felt that it was easier to lie and say it was for my phone instead. I knew that the response that I would get wouldn't be one I liked so; I tried to say something that would make more logical sense in my head. Not that it really did, knowing that she had just been in my jacket pocket. Gee, do you really think she is that gullible? 


Evaluation: There only good that came from that lie was that I didn't hear Tia say "Why do you need to take it"?  It was definitely a bad experience b/c it just pissed Tia off for lying again and made myself look like a fool for lying about something so inconsequential and pointless.

Analysis: I can only say that the reason I lied was b/c it was easier to make something up rather than tell the truth. I knew that if I said what I was really looking for, it would get me into trouble.  This then gives me a reason to send myself down the spiral of shame and worthlessness just like a child getting scolded for doing something wrong. Wow, I try to manipulate even when it is about something so pointless!! The lying just continually put more and more nails in the coffin so to speak, rather than trying to remove the nails and letting us take a breath.

Conclusion: I could have just told the truth and saved a whole lot of heartache and HEADACHE for Tia. This would also leave me feeling good instead of shameful and like I deserved the guillotine for punishment.

Action: JUST TELL THE FRICKEN TRUTH!!!!

Consideration of others

On Thursday night Tia and Amy had plans to go for drinks and I thought that it would be best if I was the designated driver. I did not hesitate to think how this would affect me rather I thought that their safety was more important than my needs.

Victim with a capital V

I had my counseling session on Wed Feb 9, with the counsellor that I saw before when my wife and I went to counselling. I thought that it would be good for me to see this specific counsellor, she was always really good at calling me out on my "BS". I started the session with a broad overview of what happened since the last time I saw her. I was really shocked b/c she pointed out that I had the role of VICTIM down to a tee. I had no idea that I really thought like that, yet throughout the rest of the session I became more and more aware of exactly how I manipulate people into doing what I want. I play the role of the victim so far to the point that I don't even know when I am doing it. I use this role when it comes to school, work, home, and even within myself. I am pretty sure that even in this post there is a few sentences that are victim statements, and yet when I write them I think that they are just my feelings. I definitely think that my counsellor was right and I really need to go to a psychiatrist to get checked out for a personality disorder. I am more screwed up than I thought.

Acknowledging Feelings

Description: On Tuesday, I had an appt. with the psychologist at the school @ 1100. I had gotten up around 10 am and decided that I would have a shower so I could leave the house at 1030. My wife had also phoned me @ 1030 to make sure that I was up so I would be on time. After getting off the phone with her, I proceeded to take my time getting ready not worrying that if I was a little late for the appt. that it would have to be rescheduled. I call the counselling office to let them know that I was running late and the secretary informed me that I had to be there by 1115 or the appt would have to be rescheduled. I knew that this appt was important to my wife b/c it would show her that I really did care what happened to our marriage. I raced to the school and had trouble finding a parking spot, so by the time I got to the office it was 1120 and I was told that it was the school policy that after 15min. past the scheduled time the appt must be rescheduled.
Feelings: I was MAD at myself for being so selfish. I felt like I gave my wife the pen to sign the divorce papers. I HATE MYSELF. I feel like i should just let everything go, school,work, home, marriage. At least that way I would stop hurting my wife on a daily basis.
Evaluation: Looking back I can see where I really went wrong and that was when I was downloading Glee on to my Ipod b/c I couldn't wait for it when I had time to actually download it. Getting angry for things that I did of my own choice was childish. I just blamed the everyone else for inconveniencing me, I took no repsonsiblilty for may actions.

Analysis: I can learn a lot from just being aware of what I am feeling and try to find a way to change the negative feelings to positive feelings.
Conclusion: Through this process I have learned that there are more important things to be worried about such as being on time for my appt's instead of downloading something that I could have done when I got home after school.
Action: To prevent this action from happening in the future, I have to put priority to what is important and what really can wait.